Padmaja Vikas Chavan
Today, I think of days when I was a small child thinking about my plausible future which to me, now, seems to be a ludicrous idea of doing something in childhood. Today, I think of days which I had squandered in thinking about the future. Anyways, in both the cases I owe to miss something very important, the prominence of which could be understood only when you yourself be in that place. When I was small I was told by every Tom, Dick, and Harry that I bore similitude to a rabbit and the consequences arose such that I was christened by an appellation, ‘SASA’, (a Marathi word for rabbit). Today, I don’t take after one. Today, I am not the same which I was earlier, for I have changed in a lot many aspects as one could ever think of. I had never imagined how time has conceded in the last fifteen years. I contemplate how time has made me so unyielding and callous from an innocent amorous child who had nothing to do, but, mischief. Today, I don’t do mischief but implore to do so-till my heart enunciates me to stop. For me life is poles apart equalled to what my parents are living. For me, it is new, reconnoitring, for my parents, it’s the same ever since after my birth because nothing has changed much after that – how could I say that their life be vested in me and mine in theirs. This feeling is placate, impeccable, occult that covets hiding in deep privy. They are garnished with an amicable assent with life.
Today, when I think about something too aberrant I think of the attack at the World Trade Centre, the attacks at the Taj Hotel and the 1965 and 1999 wars and outrageously I hear life chuckling at me. Well, this is unfathomable and every part of mine rebels. I think of my life. When I was young my passion was to serve the country. Whenever the programmes of Independence Day and Republic Day were broadcasted on the national television I used to watch them with pronounced curiosity. I used to atmosphere in myself, a sense of colossal pride and reputation even though I possessed none. Nor do I possess now. Still that feeling but, be inherent in me. I could sacrifice myself for the sake of my country. I don’t want to sacrifice myself now, not because I feel petrified, but because this country needs much more than a pretentious sacrifice of blood which would in a course of time, yield nothing. It requisites a detriment of oneself to what he does, sacrifice of thoughts and imagination and sacrifice of selfishness. I wanted to join the Indian navy, coveted to wear that untarnished white uniform of theirs which gave a foretaste of their justly placid, fetish temperament. I wanted to own those coats of arms of nobility that spoke about gallantry. Still I have a hunger to owe some. When I was in 5th I wanted to become a journalist because I wanted to discern about things happening in and around the world . Now I can’t even trance of becoming one. When I went in 8th my latitude of imagination, which I ostensibly think, amplified. When I came to Mumbai I was in 6th, I had no strong aspirations of doing something in life, up until a very competitive friend of mine helped me to focus on some facets of competitive spirit. I had always anticipated to be like my friend but never could turn into one.
Today is Friendship Day; I am writing this to reimburse for what my friend has imparted to me. I am inadequate. This for a friend who stimulated me to strive but the humour lies in the fact that I eventually ended up contending with my friend. It so happened that we ended up becoming rivals such that this competitive spirit between us headed to the flinch of our annihilation- the annihilation of a 6 year long connexion of ideas and imperturbable refinement of visions. Today, I crave to go back in time and resolve everything. Today, I don’t want to compete. I solely ramble in pursuit of true knowledge and integrities. I assert retribution. I ask for redemption- from actions, from insane sagaciousness that eventually ensued in obliteration. I am indebted. Unfortunately, I can’t pay back.
But yes, today I want to become a human, not a stone-hearted fiend who perspires in the training of the Indian Navy, who leaves his family for the sake of what he calls ‘patriotism’. The implication has changed. Patriotism is not when you leave your family as in anticipating for greatness, which in fact, is not one itself. When this is my perception, the same life that ridiculed at me earlier, today, I see it snivelling. I wanted to be in the Indian Navy. My insights of doing something in life have changed. But the sheer desire to do something for everyone, still subsists. Everyone’s acuities are diverse. When you see a blank page from the front you see it as a rectangle. Someone sees it from the sides. To him it is merely a line. Here, no one is in the wrong. Everyone is different, reasons differently and acts in a way what he feels is, acceptable. The fact is –NO ONE IS WRONG. Everyone is dead-on about what he says in the place where he stands. There is no religion greater than the love for one’s country. When I talk about the most trivial thing in life, I won’t say some of the very convoluted things like relationships or commitment towards something. To me what matters today is perfection and excellence. When you are perfect you excel, but not, otherwise. I think about friendship. By amity I don’t always mean it with someone, but amity with qualities that make you friendlike. Now, I think of broadening my imagination. Imagination, to me is not that prospective to think something that makes you a rocket scientist as I always say, but potentials to think something that makes the intricate things too simple for even a child to comprehend, not because I want everyone to be future scientists, but because I desire to see and live in the midst of a generation who are not inventors, but who embrace themselves with a desperate capacity in themselves to bring about a revolution in the prevailing system- the system that is full of blemishes and by capacity and potentials I mean the ends of a line that will never meet, to me they are incompatible.
Days back, when I was with a few 10 year old kids I wanted to be like one, full of guiltlessness and immaturity. To my memory they were ‘learning’ their notes for the exam and when I asked a boy about what he wanted to be in life, what he said, basically, ascertained to be ironical- HE WANTED TO BE A SCIENTIST. It was ironical to me because at one place he was rote learning the notes and on the other hand he wanted to do something inordinate. This part he doesn’t know. I know. The fault isn’t in his thinking. The fault is in the complete system in the chain of this interaction. The fault is in the process where we assume students to do what is told to them, if not, authorities have ways otherwise. If anyone wants to do something for the country, try not to be on the borders, but, generate ideas that could help create a generation having potentials to endure this country and there would be no requirement for us to go on Mars. Thus, while I explore a new universe, to me, this universe is exclusively full of the brightest stars ever seen: – The stars – The children.